Out Leadership takes virtual one step further
In a press release today, Todd Sears, Out Leadership CEO and Founder, announced today that the organization is going “full blown virtual” in 2022. “We misplaced our physical office space during the pandemic anyway” chimed in the organization’s CFO Marco Martinot in written comments from his Fire Island mansion where he spent most of 2016-2021.
Out Leadership summits will now be totally immersive and require a VR headset and a tactile body-tracking interface for participation. The branded Out Leadership individual equipment is available on Amazon at an affordable price of $900 per unit payable in bitcoins directly to Out Leadership, Head of Sales Luigi Lewin’s account. “I will throw in an 80% discount if using coupon code: SoLong” Luigi added.
“Through VR”, Todd Sears said from his Physical Rehab, “nobody needs knees anymore, we are bringing the Out Leadership experience to an even larger audience in the most improbable of places”. During the Zoom press conference, a hologram of Managing Director for Events Chris Frederick presented the virtual Out Leadership Riyadh Summit with introductory remarks by Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman and Rupaul and featuring coming out speeches by heads of state from Arab world, cricket stars and Omar Sharif. “The sky is the limit” said Frederick, “I can throw in Michelle Obama and Lady Gaga singing a duet too if you want or have Roy Cohn apologize”. Virtual Events Coordinator Kelly Ver Haeghe added “After years of Chris never closing any deal, we have secured sponsorships from major brands for our Guantanamo Summit such as Borders, Pier 1 Imports and Toys R Us”
Some features of the Summits will include individual conversations with virtual renditions of diverse CEOs from global companies such as Pan American World Airways or Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus, participation in events with completely made-up boring consultants or bankers in your age group or the experience of receiving awards for invented Diversity & Inclusion achievements in imaginary Black-tie dinners.
Participants from member companies will be reincarnated as better-looking avatar renditions of themselves. Head of Research, Jane Barry-Moran, pointed out that “98% of the characters you meet in our virtual meetings are imaginary anyway, so you do not have to worry about being appropriate, taking it easy on the free wine or using the right pronouns”. “Bots, like lesbians, don’t have feelings” she noted, while adjusting her fake glasses.
For Out Leadership Quorum initiative, Matt Fust and Fabrice Houdart imagined a virtual experience in which unqualified LGBTQ+ aspiring board members they met on Fire Island more interested by the Board fees than the boring fiduciary responsibilities are told they are a “perfect fit” by a search firm named CloroxHermes. “Our Quorum candidates, even the most junior such as our intern Brennan Entee who never really completed high school, can make up to $200,000 in bitcoins by not participating in the Board of the Madoff’s fund or Enron and not calling out mismanagement” said Fabrice “finally fiction can meet reality”.
“This is what the future is” said Head of Communication Stephen “I plan to leave my ever expanding Irish body and upload myself completely to the platform so I can finally escape my family responsibilities and my tiny apartment in the Upper East Side. It had become too much.” Danielle Jablonski, Manager, Marketing & Communications asked if it was possible not to quote her in this article or even ever mention she worked for Out Leadership “I am not here” she said “this was just a dream” as she sashayed her way out of the zoom meeting
“Member relations director Kenya Simon has now been replaced by a smart-assistant named “Gertrude” which responds to questions such as “Gertrude, tell me again why D&I matter to business?” or “Gertrude, what makes an ERG really powerful?” with endless monologues quoting made-up scientific articles and outlandish figures such “95% of all gay staff members report they just want to be happy”.
Junior staff Michael Tighe’s position was also completely eliminated in the process which triggered the following comment from him: “I did not even know I was still on their payroll, will I get backpay? did I get a bonus this year?”.
Wishing you a Happy April’s Fool Day from the Out Leadership team